Knock Knock

Minsan, kapag nananahimik tayo sa buhay, yung tipong nasanay ka na sa mga ginagawa mo araw araw dahil ilang taon ka na ring ganun at kabisado mo na ang takbo ng araw mo ay okay ka na dun. Akala mo okay ka na ng  ganun.

Tapos biglang may darating, iibahin ang takbo ng mga bagay bagay sa buhay at paligid mo. Mag iiba ang routine mo sa araw araw, kasi kasama na sya sa araw araw mo.

Papasayahin ka.

Tapos, 

biglang 

aalis.

Pagkaalis nya, bakit ang hirap hirap ng bumalik sa punto ng buhay mo nung bago sya dumating? Eh samantalang ilang taon ka namang nabuhay ng wala sya.

It Was You

When you invited me to go out on a date, I said yes.

I remember how cold the coffee has gotten before I arrived.

And when you smiled,

it changed everything.

Because from there and then on, I felt butterflies.

I fell for the sweet words and kind gestures,

I can even say that I felt love in that instant.

We were high, nothing else existed but us.

It's as if we were drowning with the strong feeling,

and not fighting back.

Yes, it was perfect. It was very beautiful

but only for a moment.

It seemed to us that it was going to last forever.

Or at least for me, it did.

Because, like, every dream, it had to end.

I found out in a not-so-pleasant way how you bluffed.

How you played

and how you faked.

It's as if I was stabbed.

And I had no choice but to walk away.

I never looked back.

It was it. The end of us.

I thought what I did was the right thing

Walking away and not looking back

but thoughts of you haunt me every night

and follows me through the day, every damn day.

The attempt to have a relationship failed.

One after the other.

It kind of occurred to me that I was finding "you" in them.

There was never you in them.

They will never be you.

You were a rare find.

An angel to my eyes.

Heartless.

Three years gone.

Looking up the sky, I told myself

that I would be okay.

Just like this.

Loving you deeply still. Even if no one else knows.

Even if you do not know.

Because for me, what matters is yesterday.

With you in it.

With your smile on it.

Closing Circles, Shutting Doors

There come some times when something reaches its end. Or it always happen - the end. Whether it be a difficult task that has finally been done after an immeasurable amount of hardship, a long-searched dream that has been found, waiting, agony, holding on, even life itself. Time may be there to always tell whether or not something is done. Or we oftentimes do it ourselves.

When something unpleasant happens, most likely we would blame ourselves and couldn't help but wonder what might have been if you were just able to think clearly that time to make the right decision. We hold on to the fact that, it is still not too late to change it, that there is still something we could do to make it right. But most of the time there isn't.

See, holding on to something consumes much part of you. Because in holding on, you beg and you ask, you dream and you think that there is still something that you can do. We are not superheroes.

We say that time heals. It does, as a matter of fact. But don't be too lazy to leave all the action to time. We should also do our part. Acceptance, for example, is a good start. Accept that there's nothing you can do to change the past. It has already happened and you did the best you could. When you are facing your shortcomings, do not forget the person you once are before that failure or ugliness occurred. Forgetting who we are and how good we used to be is a big monster that eats us alive.

Forgiveness to oneself may be too much to ask, because we always inject into our minds that it could have not happened if it were not because of your fault. We blame ourselves. Then again, would blaming yourself help? Certainly not.

See, moving on is a process. Letting go is a long road. You could not be hurt and be okay in an instant. It is very rare that it happens. Quick fixes may always be there, and life may throw you an easy way out. It's your call. You may be able to get out of the ugliness that fast, but ask yourself. Would you be helping yourself if you are going to escape?

It will come. And you owe it to yourself to at least go through the agony, for when the day comes, you can tell yourself that YOU LEARNED.

Crossover

Just a few more hours, and 2010 will be part of everyone's yesterday. Then many others are busy thinking of resolutions and things to change along with the 2010 plus 1 and all that. They say that the changing of year will  give us all a new beginning and a new life. Like a rebirth or something.

It's just a state of mind.

Every damn day we are being given countless chances to change. To start again. A new breath of life as we wake up. That's one thing to be thankful for. We don't need the calendar to count 365 more days before we start to change our ways. Or begin something. It is always just up to us.

The New Year always reminds us that there's a new set of 365 mornings to wake up on and 365 chances to maximize and make the most out of it.

So, let's begin. Shall we?

Blink Blink

I dunno why, but Christmas Season gets me uplifted. Seems like a hundred and fifty percent boost in my mood, making me worry-free and all. What is this, a fetish, perversion, whatever? It has got something to do with the Christmas lights and huge decors that I see. Add to that the cold weather even on afternoons. Sarap. Past three years, I've been used to spending the Holidays at work, petiks lang because there's not much calls coming in. But this year, I got lucky to have the 24th and the 25th, plus the 31st and the 1st as my rest days. Yun nga lang, I kind of think it as sayang not to work during those days because of  the holiday premiums, but it's okay, I kind of miss it staying at home and spend it with family.

It has been my kind-of-tradition to on-purposely gain weight during the holidays, extend it until February and just eat. But we will see this time. I am working out lately and been conscious about my figure (naks). Speaking of "we will see this time", I know that things have rapidly changed around me in the past 2 years. It includes my way of relating to people, handling sort of  things, and all. So we will see this time what resolutions I am going to make and which ones I am going to break. Haha!

But hey, even if I know that I am short on budget and I am still going to buy gifts for friends and family, inaanaks as well, I see that I am going to be just fine knowing that these people put smile on my face.

It's Christmas so better yet be jolly!

Giving Thanks

As my Facebook status says:


If  there's one thing that I learned from what happened, it's that God was just showing me all the friends He gave me.


'Tis Thanksgiving after all, so I might as well say thanks to the people, whom in my dark and twisted days, have extended their hands and never asked for the juicy details. They just knew how to become a friend to a friend.


I may call some of them kapatid, mars, pards, manong, TM, J, Bie, Ms, bek, badet, whatever else. It just sums up to one thing. Friends.


Thank you!

Babylon

Whenever I am dead bored, it's either I surf the Internet and Google up whatever pops in my mind, or I buy some DVDs and do a marathon of it. Since I am injured and I have so many time home alone, I decided to re-run my copy of Queer as Folk (a gay-themed American series).

I remember when I bought this copy a few years back, it was the time when I just told my parents that I was gay. I was already hearing about this series from some gay friends that I knew from the Internet (since I was never really out before I did) and I got curious why this title seemed so popular.

Before I came out to my parents, I never really told anyone about me liking boys. Sure, I can sense some friends and schoolmates thinking of me being like that, whispering about me, and find myself eluding whenever the topic is being brought up. Being gay is one thing, and living a gay life is a lot of things.

So, going back, I inserted the CD to the player, and...

There was an abundance of hot sex scenes, gorgeous male bodies, dancing, and more dancing. But as each episode go after the other, richness in color of each character starts to blend with the others. And I must say, as a gay man who can relate to this series, it'll start to paint you with the colors of the rainbow as well.

Not only this series focused on being gay as a person. It also gave emphasis on the social and political issues concerning the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans gender) community, as well as the things and circumstances that are enclosed on being such.

Each character on this show has their own shares on how to give life to the colorful (and sometimes unimaginable) circumstances that could happen to a person of the third sex.

Whether you're a gay man hiding in the closet, a bisexual male sneaking around and watching cute boys when your girlfriend is not looking, a cross-dresser, a lesbian couple, a mother with a gay son, this series will give you the courage to accept yourself or the people whom you least thought was gay, make you proud of yourself, and embrace who you really are.